Seraaaa I am not jumping out of a plane, just off a cliff!

But I know you are there too. I gotta do me because if I avoid doing things to make my life better to remain doing the same vaguely unfulfilling BS I will hate myself and my life. 

Ugh, I am stressed about the school thing. I kind of thought I would end up going back to the town where I used to live, where I have family and friends. I have a few friends in the town where I’ve been accepted (Seattle) but the prospect of moving to a new place alone without much of a support system is really daunting. 

I know I want to move ahead in my life, and I really feel like the work I’ve been doing for the past few years is really unfulfilling. But I am really torn up about leaving Japan. Been with my dude for 3+ years, he can’t really come with me, and I don’t think I can/want to do long distance. Not for such a long time over such a great distance. I do have a lot of friends here even if some of them make me mad sometimes and I have a very active and social life. 

So I went with my friend J to the Sanja matsuri this weekend, which was super crowded but also really cool and full of tatted tough guys and it was all sunny and music and watermelon. 

J was visiting on his way from the U.S. to Vietnam. We’ve been friends for 18 years! He is a white guy and he kept getting all this attention on the street. It was so weird. I get a little attention I guess but not that much. He had several people react to him in a big obvious way. I guess he looks cool?

Anyway this jichan started talking to him in that WE JAPANESE way that some people, especially older men, have of condescendingly explaining Everything about Unique and Important Japanese Culture. He was telling him about the festival and its history. Totally randomly, he just walked up to my friend and started talking. But my friend is friendly and polite and willing to talk to people so he was listening and nodding. 

And the dude spoke really good English. And then he just started dropping in random stuff about dirty Chinese people who are doing all the bad things and I don’t even know where it all came from. 

Except that the guy didn’t really have Japanese-accented English. His English actually sounded kinda Chinese-accented. 

Anyway at that point (I hadn’t participated in the conversation at all, jichan obviously wanted to drop some science on whitey) I just started glaring at him and we excused ourselves. 

People.

Yeah, it is! Which is why I’ve been cutting down. But still it’s hard to cut friendships and even harder to find people who are conscious. I feel like it used to be easier but maybe I am just old and grouchy. And I just wanna hang out with people who are part of the revolution man.

The kitty is a nora who lives outside my friend’s place in Shinagawa. I was catsitting for her this weekend and also met some of the local strays. But she says a cat lady takes care of them. 

I’m feeling so frustrated and bogged down by a lot of my friends lately. It just seems like so many of them say casually fucked up racist or ignorant things, or act like idiots, and I just don’t want to deal with bad behavior and drama. It sucks though because the annoying people are attached to people I really like and when I start to limit my interactions with the douches I start to lose out on gatherings and hanging out with the others. 

I wish I had more friends that were not only cool, but actively cared about social justice. There are so many people who have this liberal veneer (play in rock bands, support gay marriage) but that who are actually pretty conservative when you talk to them. It’s disheartening.

riyality asked: Hey this is late, but congrats on getting into school. What are you planning on studying? How exciting!

Thanks! I applied to MSW programs. I wanna work in non-profits doing community-based practice. I’m not sure what populations I want to work with yet, but I have experience with kids, transient people, and I think I could be good at working with immigrants. 

this tumblr

I applied to grad school at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. Man it is a hassle. My boyf went back to school for his Ph.D and he basically just talked to a prof and they were like, cool, you can come in. WHAT?? There are so many hoops and letters and fees and transcripts that are needed to apply in the statez. 

Anyway I have kept quiet about it because I don’t want to be publicly disappointed if I don’t get in. And a few days ago I got a rejection from Berkeley (one of the three schools I applied to, just kind of threw it in there because I went to undergrad in the UC system). 

But today I found out I did get in to another school. And actually it’s rated a lot higher than Cal for my field. Now I’m waiting on the third school and have to think about funding. 

Big scary change. 

Beth breaks it down.